Well, it's been a while. I guess I don't blog/write as much as I used to... but..considering I am feeling like this, and have been for a while now, maybe I should.

I'm just feeling so frustrated and I have so fucking idea why. I feel like the people that I should be talking to about my stuff aren't there...or that I am not valid or justified for feeling the way I do. Im feeling overemotional. and I'm angry. Im angry that I can't tell him all that I want to say to him. I'm angry that I can't connect with him on a daily basis how I want to.

Maybe I am selfish.

I know I have it really good. Peter loves me so much..and doing this long distance thing ahs been hard on both of us. I am just so ready for it to be over. Im ready to graduate. Im ready to be out. Im ready to be done. I want to connect with him the way we do when he's here. But...I CAN"T and that's so frustrating for me.

I feel like a bother whenever I talk to him when he's not here. Like, I can't be there and know what's going on. I feel like me wanting to talk to him is annoying to him... and it's especially frustrating that we can't play and hve fun together like we can in person. But, if I tell him all of this...is that really the heart of this issue?

no idea.

I don't even want to talk to him. To talk to anyone... What is there to say?

okay

I'm tired of being so down on myself all the time.

Tomorrow is a brand new beautiful day. I have the most wonderful fiance in the whole world. I have the most wonderful God in the whole Universe. i have the support of both, AND the support of my rather large family. (Hey, there's power in numbers right?) I have come such a long way, and I have so much left to look forward to. Why let my weight hold me back from that? It's not.

I'm 18 lbs over where I want to be. Just 18. Take it in small steps. Next goal - 155 lbs. by... Oct. 16. 2 weeks from now. And...that's what I'm shooting for. I'm going to enjoy the hourney this time and, I know, I will get there.

I REFUSE to be down on myself any longer. It's pointless. It's just wasted time. and...I'm done wasting time. I have so much more to live for.

you know?...

I think NeYo is really very sexy.... you know... right under Peter.

I'm listening to his song "Mad" and.... really? REALLY??? it's like... oh... mm.. I'm speechless. It's like.. ok, you music majors are going to hate it when I say this but.. lol.. you can really hear the passion in his songs! *ducks and covers* and, I really love that. I think you can make any song, or anything really.. you know good, as long as you have passion for what it is that your doing.  true.

Anyway, today I am taking the residents around campus, and then we have a retreat this afternoon. It should be another long day, and I miss you, Peter, already.

k. I love you!

Day 1

I've gained 20 lbs this summer.

Jesus.

I feel lethargic. depressed. and... stressed out. I know I can get this off again. I just..need to do it. I've done good today and I know I will succeed in this.

So..here's to starting fresh and to taking it one day at a time. With the start of school comes a routine and... the opportunity to do it again.

I can do this. and I will do it the right way this time. Learn from my mistakes.

Dear Journal

I feel like shit.